Look Forward

"Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus." Phillpians 3:13-14 NRSV

"Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing' now it springs forth, do you not percieve it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43: 18-19 NRSV

I would like to think that I am always dreaming of what could be in the future, yet I spend most of my time looking back at my past. All things going on in my life right now are so wonderful, and I did not believe someone like me would achieve as much as I have when I was a kid. I am a lot stronger than I realize. There is something to be said for healing your childhood, but there is also something to be said to live fully in the present day and not to dwell on the negatives of the past. I am not the same person. I am an adult now that does not have to be a victim. I can protect myself emotionally now without being at the mercy of anyone to save me. I have a lot of faulty beliefs about myself that I have picked up over my life, many of which began in childhood that still are very real today. I need to figure out what those beliefs are, forgive myself and move on to the here and now. Reliving my childhood cannot change what happened. I say that like something bad happened--nothing did. I am the person I am today because of my childhood but my childhood does not define me or what will happen next. 

A New Beginning

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right sprit within me." Psalm 51:10 NSRV

"A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you; and I will remove from your body the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26 NSRV

As soon as I read this devotion, I wanted to pass it by and move on to the next altogether. Then, I realized that maybe I felt this way because it was something I needed to meditate on at this time in my life. I struggled to meditate what this devotion could mean or better yet, what I could say about it.

Trust. That's what this devotion is all about. Trust that God has my best interests at heart. Forgive and forget. Being Catholic, the sacrament of Reconciliation has always been a love/hate relationship. I like the idea being forgiven, but I hate what you have to do, confess, to get to that forgiveness. I have always dreaded Confession and I admit that I do not attend as often as I should. I'm sure a Protestant would wonder why I would want to confess to a priest. The truth is, Catholics believe that the priest is only "standing in" for Jesus and there is a benefit to hear that you are forgiven outloud in order to forgive yourself and move on with your life.

My BFF and I, since she was Jewish and I am Catholic, we used to joke about who had more guilt since both of our faiths lend to that persuasion. She would often say, "now that's guilt!" It's hard to hear the sarcasm in her voice from reading it in print, but it was very funny when she said it. Anything to aleviate that guilt and pressure to be holy is welcomed. Maybe it would make me feel better emotionally if I went to Confession on a regular basis. I realize that God has been putting this idea on my heart for the last few years. There is always such a buildup pre-Confession though that stalls me from wanting to confess. I realize what that is, and it's only keeping me farther apart from the Holy Spirit.

I don't know what else to say only that I will make it goal to go to Confession on a more regular basis: once or twice a month. 

Look and See

"For it is not those who commend themselves that are approved, but those whom the Lord commends." 2 Corinthians 10:18 NRSV

"But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for the LORD does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.' " 1 Samuel 16:7 NRSV

Maybe it was my upbringing, but I have always thought my looks were average. If there was someone pretty in the room, I would immediately think that she were more beautiful than me because I could never believe I was beautiful as well. And with men...if there was a handsome man in the room, why would he be interested in me, what do I have to offer? Obviously there would be another woman who would strike his fancy and interests more than me.

Maybe this concept is something I learned from my mother. My mother always tries to convince me that she's no beauty and she does not know how she had even one suitor let alone a husband. She assures me it has not had anything to do with her outward appearance that my father fell in love with her. He was only ready to settle down and get married, and well, she was single and available to marry him. This is not true, of course, but that is how she recounts it.  My mother has never brought attention to her talents or attributes. She has always been surprised by what God has provided her. She does not count any of her own merits for what she has accomplished in her life.

On the one hand, I suppose this is a good thing since it is a humble way to live, yet on the other not allowing anyone to compliment my looks, is that denying that God has provided them? Looks are not important, only the beauty within, yet am I not allowing God to be praised for what He has given to me? Humbleness is one thing, self-hatred is another.

I guess I should say that before my weight loss surgery, I had battled compulsive overeating for approximately 25 years. The reasons are a few, yet it gave me a distorted self-image of what I have to offer the opposite sex. If anyone was going to persecute me, I would persecute myself first and beat them to the punch. It was a vicious cycle: I felt insignificant, so I ate, and I ate because I felt insignificant because of the extra weight. It wasn't until I was in my 20's before I started to feel a tad prettier than I was in elementary and high school.

The other night, I was called a pretty lady, and I winced and rolled my eyes. I am still not comfortable with the insinuation. Everything in our culture is geared towards the most beautiful, the most handsome, the most athletic, the thinnest of society. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to these adjectives. I may have had about 200lbs to lose, yet I must have been very vain and perfectionistic to believe that I was never good enough. I still struggle with being a perfectionist. The funny or ironic thing is when I worked diligently on not being a perfectionist, that is when I was the happiest.

I am in school to become a licenced clinical therapist, and part of my journey is to heal myself, or better yet allow God to heal me before I can be an instrument to heal my future patients. My therapist is always talking about being whole, and that I am like a cake and the rest of it: husband, children, degrees, home etc are just the frosting; if the cake is not right, it does not matter if the frosting is delicious. I need to be whole before I get lost in a marriage or become a mother so that I am psychologically healthy. So part of that mental health is to fully accept myself as a child of God--being enough just because God created me.

I guess this is a given for most women, yet I spent 25 years in a fog of just going through the motions. Sure, I went to Church, and I even went to parochial school, yet I did not trully believe that God could love me unconditionally: a chubby, average-looking girl who really didn't really have anything to offer Him. Its an area of my life that I really need to work on and where I want to begin now.

One concept that I am trying to fully believe is if one woman is beautiful, or has a husband, children it does not mean that I am at a loss. I am trying to be grateful for the good that others have in their lives just because it is the right thing to do. I am working on gratitude for God's blessings.

Are You Talking to Me?

In the last 4 or 5 weeks, I've been asking this question all the time. I want to pinch myself. I've met someone and everyday it gets a little more clear that this man is someone who will be a major influence in my life in years to come. Sure, I've met other nice men, interesting people but this one...there is so much we have in common it's a little odd to be a coincidence. God provides more than you can ever dream for yourself. I know that if I had met him even five years ago, I would not have been ready...neither would he, actually, but for different reasons. He's a highly active person...always hiking, camping, fishing, biking, running etc...though he would tell you he's not as active as others where he lives, but to me he's highly active...and I would not have been able to keep up with him pre-weight loss surgery. We are on the same page about the Catholic faith, yet if I was not in the health position I am now, I would not have realistically been able to be with him. He would have other reasons he would not have been with me, but now we are both ready.

Bitter with the Sweet

No, I did not forget. I have been thinking about what to type next since the last blog, believe it or not. I have had a lot of things going on since the last time I posted a blog entry.

I have been working hard at getting back to my life since my BFF passed away. I finally called my university and re-enrolled in school so I could finish the last eight classes to recieve my bachelor's degree in Human Services/Management. Today I re-applied for financial aid. So that is all taken care of, thank God. I really have been stressing over that, so I am grateful that it is all settled. I have been back at the gym on a more regular basis, and trying to eat healthfully in the weight loss surgery lifestyle.

Still I feel very odd moving on. I teeter upon wanting to move forward, knowing it is what I am supposed to do, and still holding on to the past missing the fact that my BFF will not physically be present ever again. I went out to breakfast with two of my friends on Saturday morning, and I realized that whenever I am extremely happy or extremely sad, somehow something Disney pops up out of the blue. I discussed this with my therapist, and while I don't know if she agrees with me, but I told her I believe it was my BFF's doing since she loved everything Disney...sort of like a calling card. I even saw a girl with pink beads...like mardi gras...much like the beads me and my BFF had when celebrating her birthday in December. I didn't mention this to my two friends...one would have no idea what I was talking about, and the other..I know she cares but I didn't bring it to her attention...she's probably reading this post...I wanted to be strong and not have to mention I was thinking about my BFF. I feel guilty because here I am mourning the loss of a friend who died almost four and a half months ago when I am sitting across someone who cares about me just as much, most likely, as my BFF did. Makes me feel like I don't see what's in front of me. I realize that God allowed this to happen and I should be grateful for what is in front of me and not look to the past...this happened in my life for a reason and I have to see what the reason is so I can move on successfully.

The other night as I was let's face it, bingeing, I started to cry and said, "I just want you back. Why did you have to go? I needed you here." I realize that I was eating because I missed my BFF. I felt so sick that time, so much sugar, I was a little afraid for my own health. That toxicity feeling passed of course, since I am posting this blog now, but for about an hour or two I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I have had many episodes like this in the last 17 weeks...crying now btw...I wish I could resolve this grief...I really want her back. I'm kind of mad at her that she left. Is that strange? I love her so much, I want to share a cup of coffee with her and just 'kibitz' as she would say using her Yiddish/Jewish words, but I also want to yell at her and ask her what she was thinking...we all loved her...she could have called anyone she knew that night and we all would have said please reconsider. I have a lot of guilt because I thought of calling her that night but I didn't. Now I can never call her again. Seventeen weeks ago. I wish I could take it all back. I held her hand in the hospital while she was still in a coma while she was hooked up to all the machines, knowing that her quality of life if she did survive would have been terrible..she would not have been the same person...I would say God was being kind to allow her to leave, honestly. I was at Adoration when she passed away...I did not know she was passing away, I was just praying for her. I guess that was the best possible place I could have been...being in the presence of Jesus while my BFF was slowly passing away.

Truthfully, what's been keeping me going the last four and a half months is her joke of "Am I gonna have to come over there and put my foot up your touchus?" Sounds funny, but she used to say that any time I was scared and didn't know what to do next. I know she would want me to complete my degree..she was my biggest supporter about that...she knew I could help people and the degree is going to allow me to do that...I know she would want me to be happy and not dwell on this and that she is still here in spirit, but it's just hard. I know she's in heaven, I'm not even remotely unsure about that yet her not physically being present breaks my heart.

Oh and I finally spoke to one of our mutual friends and we are going to spend the weekend together remembering her..I think it will be healing for the both of us.

This post wasn't even supposed to be about her, actually. I know you don't believe me. :)

I feel like I've been holding out for a man who can be a leader, provider and protector all rolled into one...I don't like to pin my hopes on any one thing other than the Holy Spirit...but I think I've met him. I have been trying to be patient, hold out and not say anything offical about what I think since I don't even know...let alone be open and public about it. We have so much in common...I have to say it scares the hell out of me! hahaha This is the point where I usually cut and run, but I am trying to stick around and allow whatever is supposed to happen happen. The first person I would talk to about this would be my BFF so I have had to go it alone, simply because that is my personality...he even said that he thinks he has a similar personality to her...which kind of freaked me out. He also lives somewhere where I always said I wanted to live, so it's kind of fitting. If my BFF were alive, it would have been really hard to pick up and leave even though it is a city that I have always wanted to be, so it's kind of weird that is not an issue anymore. Still too early to know, but if whatever 'this' is keeps going the way it is it will be 'it,' I feel it strongly.

Before Weight Loss Surgery...A Must Read

If you read my weblog before I revamped it you might recall that I had weight loss surgery...RNY Gastric Bypass to be exact. My best friend had the Gastric Sleeve by the way, and that picture is of her after she lost 120lbs. She was about 50lbs smaller than me, but two inches shorter..so at her lowest, she was 50lbs less than me. That 50lb difference was noticeable for me..she was a small but I am a medium...well in pictures I noticed it. She would say that I was too sensitive about it, that our bodies are different and not to worry about it.

I've lost 140lbs so far, nothing to be ashamed of, but I still have between 51 and 61lbs I still want to lose, depending how it feels when I get there. Weight loss surgery doesn't solve all your problems, in fact it can make some things even harder. It's not a wand that magically makes your problems go away. Weight loss surgery is a tool to be used or not, depending on how you feel, since the further away from the surgery the more your new pouch has healed, which can be good..you aren't tossing your cookies as much, or rarely, or it can be bad since you can eat more if you do it slowly and methodically. Dealing with life issues, aka stress, such as the death of a loved one can really hurt you, since you can't eat your grief away..you'll wind up in the hospital yourself. With or without surgery you will always have the addiction...it never goes away, whether you are morbidly obese or at your ideal weight, whatever that number on the scale is for you. When you decide to have surgery, factor in how you'll deal with stress now that your main way you are an addict is basically cut off, unless you of course you like tossing your cookies on a regular basis. Funny I use 'cookies' there, I haven't had an actual cookie in almost 2 years.

No matter what the rest of society views compulsive bingeing, addicts know that the addiction is real. You wouldn't tell someone fresh out of drug rehab that using the drug that put them in there is just something they just don't have to use anymore, any time they want. But with food addiction there is that misconception. No one would tell an anorexia patient that they are being silly, just eat some more and they'll feel better. The general public doesn't understand that there's not much difference between an anorexic, a bulimic, or a compulsive overeater...the only difference is how each decides to deal with the situation, the feelings are very similiar, if not identical. Since my surgery, I admit there are times when I have had bulimic tendencies, knowing what my body is now capable of doing. I'm not proud of it, in fact I am ashamed. See? So they are very similiar, only different in how a person chooses to harm themselves. I am not a bulimic, but I have actually considered it, which I think is part of the addiction.  I also have tested my boundaries with a form of cutting, but thank God, that has never gone farther than a scratch here and there. Transfer addictions are real. I'm only going to speak of myself, no one else, but they are real. If you are considering weight loss surgery you are an addict, with an addict's mind and if you are no longer eating you can and probably will transfer to something else like drinking, sex addiction, gambling, etc etc. There is that side of you. I found out there is that side of me. When I was at my heaviest I stuffed my feelings and didn't talk about them with anyone. If a therapist asked me how I felt I wouldn't know because I was stuffing them down for 25 years. Well, I had surgery, and now all those reasons and feelings why I ate are coming back. I'm not so docile anymore. Not that I should be, but I have to admit that I am an addict whether morbidly obese or at my goal weight. Doesn't change. No, no one eats as much as they do because they like the taste or they are having fun. That's a lie that naturally skinny people don't understand. What I am trying to say is, having weight loss surgery does not free you of your addiction. It may stall for a year, maybe two, after that, it comes right back if you let it. You don't have to let it, of course, it's a choice, but it's a choice you can make to get off track. Reminds me of some other people I know of...if you are an addict, you will always be an addict...of course, you can be a sober addict...such as a sober alcoholic, but you are still an addict. Transfer addictions are very real, and can be scary if you don't ask for help.

It's a good idea for a weight loss surgery patient to have a therapist at least to check in to see how it's going. Being morbidly obese is a lifestyle. It doesn't happen overnight, and while yes, it's not always pleasant its what's normal for years, even decades if we're honest. When you decide to have surgery, all you can think about is I'll be able to do this and that..wear this and that...and yes that all happens, but its so psychologically different...a totally different lifestyle that you can in fact lose faster than your mind can process all the changes. You do not magically become confident with your body now that you've lost 100, 200 or more pounds. You have to work on being confident. There is also something that happens that usually makes people angry at first: people treat you differently. The opposite sex especially. I guess you can look at it in two ways either be bitter because people are being kind more than just polite, or worse yet, the bare minimum, or be grateful that people are actually being kind to you. I have to say, my sister is morbidly obese, and the other night when we went out to dinner, I don't even know if she noticed it, but the waiter looked at her differently than he looked at me. Maybe it was my imagination but he didn't treat her the same as me. I don't know if he even realized he did it, but he gave her a look...a look he didn't give to me and I knew that he could have and probably would have done the same to me almost two years ago. Men are not just polite because they should anymore...they are actually kind, going out of their way to be a gentlemen when almost two years ago they let doors close in my face, barely looked at me in the eye and hardly spoke to me. I get very angry at this fact. I am exactly the same person I was almost two years ago...yet they treat me as if I not only exist, but I am special, beautiful and feminine. Was I not before? Is my sister not those adjectives? That's what angers me. I don't even know if people realize how they treat others, if it's a concious slight...hopefully not, but it really bothers me.

With the death of someone so close to me, I have gained 5lbs back, and it scares the crap out of me. I know it's only 5lbs, and thank God it's not more, but I am afraid I have the capacity to go back. I don't want to go back. I didn't almost die myself from complications two years ago to go back. It's a psychological battle that I am fighting against my addiction. I will win the war because I am stronger than the addiction. Its a daily battle...not as hard as before, not by a long shot which I am grateful everyday...I will be a sober recovering addict, already am. : )

One Sweet Day...There You'll Be :) Love Ya, BFF :)

I put this picture in a frame tonight. You see it was a picture of my best friend. Some of our best conversations happened in pajamas with a cup of coffee in our hands. She loved coffee, I love it probably because she did, and we had a joke about this particular coffee cup..she recieved it as one of her gifts, not from me, on her birthday...Starbucks was created in 1971, the same year that she was born. She had a lot of silly trivia like that that she talked about all the time. She had little sayings that she used all the time....sayings that I hear all the time, in my head, where ever I go. You might have noticed some of the songs on my playlist in this blog...not all are romantic...some are about those that have left us behind...Train was one of her favorite bands, along with Sting...Calling all Angels was played at her Memorial, so it reminds me of her. This picture makes me extremely happy as well as extremely sad since it reminds me of a time when we had so much fun...she even knew how to make QVC funny with her commentary...but it also makes me sad since all I want to do is hug her and tell her I wish she could come back. Every time I have a cup of coffee, I can look at this picture and know that she's sharing one with me in heaven...because if there was coffee in heaven you can be sure she would be brewing everyone that wanted one a cup. She loved her creamer too...now she doesnt have to worry about calories or fat...body weight doesn't matter up there. I don't know how to describe her to someone that doesn't know her only that she was one of the most caring, kind and silly people I have ever met. I would be a different person if she didn't exist in my life since she was one of my biggest encouragers to help me succeed. Almost everything in my life still reminds me of her. She's never really that far away. I miss her SO much, but I know one day I'll see her again and we can resume our conversations and coffee addiction together.

PS...she knew how much Gerry means to me, so when we saw 300 in the theater she yelled out, you know in that scene where he's naked, "oooh, THAT'S why you like this movie!" Everyone around us laughed. That's a taste of how funny she was. She was such a funny girl..or guurrl, as she would say it to be cute. She may even be cooking up a plan for me to meet him one day. I wouldn't put it past her. She's funny like that.

I better save her "Gerry-licious" comment for later, cause that's even funnier. hahaha